March 5, 2006

  • Venting

    March 4, 2006

     

     

    This was a personal letter sent on March 1st to Roberta….a very dear friend of mine for almost 20 years now.  As the letter states I just needed to vent some frustration and feelings of helplessness. At the time, I did not intend for this letter to be a public update, but I am sending it out because I feel like it’s the next stepping stone.  So here goes…..unedited. 

     

     

    Hi Bert,

     

     

     

    I just got back from Zimba Hospital where we took an HIV patient Netta about 10 days ago....I am so frustrated with the medical care here in Zambia...or lack of it.  And it's not just that........ it's the entire attitude.  I don't know how to change the attitude of the whole country...except one life at a time....but it is so frustrating.  I broke down in tears at the hospital as I was questioning a clinical officer there.  They literally have let a 22 year old woman die because....well I really don't understand why.  Only 2 IVs during her whole stay right in the beginning.....hasn't eaten in the last three days, but no IV, no NG.  They promised me last Wednesday they would start her on HIV meds after I drove to Livingstone Hospital and back with her lab results for them but they did not keep that promise....they didn't start her on them until yesterday and frankly she's too bad now to swallow.  She really needed IVs and IV antibiotics besides.  She is a skeleton....totally out of it ....in heart failure...septic....having seizures.  Mother taking care of her in tears looking to Sal and I for any hope....

     

     

     

    If a clinic transfers a patient to a hospital (Zimba or Livingstone), it's supposed to be for higher care right?  Well....often they end up dying because they don't do anything except stick them in a bed and give some minor pills.  (We put a TB pt into Livingstone Hospital last month and she also just laid there for days without any TB drugs because she was too weak to produce a sputum specimen!  So they just let her lay there. ) Family takes care of the patient's hygiene needs and often their nutritional needs.  Of course Sal and I are both feeling guilty for not just taking care of her at the clinic.  Her mother had her on the road when I stopped to pick up eye patients one day for Zimba....she had her bags packed and asked me to take her...so I did.  Now I think she would have been better off with us.  There is no doctor at Zimba...the one Zambian Doctor they hired lasted one week...went to Lusaka and called to say he wasn't coming back.  So they just have Clinical Officers and nurses.....and there is not alot of caring going on.

     

     

     

    Well....we couldn't do anything but pray for her...couldn't legally take her out of a hospital and put her in a clinic and frankly there's nothing to do at this point.

     

     

     

    I was up at 2AM thinking of her...dreaming of her....praying for her...reading my Bible....trying to understand what the heck I'm here for....because frankly sometimes I just don't know!!!!!!!!!

     

     

     

    This is a private update.....of course not one I care to send out.  I don't even know if this makes any sense.  I just needed to vent and needed my best friend to listen.

     

     

     

    Sometimes I just want to come home.....see my grandkids and live life.  I feel like I'm on assignment...that this is my tour of duty and some day it will be over.  I can tell you that this will never be home for me....

     

     

     

    Thanks for listening...I can't even see to type because tears are streaming down my face....so I gotta go,

     

     

     

    Love, Renee

     

     

     

    As I sit here reading this, feeling the pain all over again, I can’t help but ponder the attitude I talked about in the beginning of the letter that permeates the medical community  and maybe everyone else here.  I don’t think it’s necessarily an “I don’t care” attitude as much as it is a “What’s the use” attitude.  I think they don’t have the fight anymore… if they ever had it. You know that fight I’m talking about….that “try everything and don’t give up” attitude that we have in America.  The “reason to live” attitude.  Death is the conqueror here.  The sting of death is still prevalent…..still a reality here.  You need the resources to fight, both physically and spiritually and I think there is lacking on both planes.  On the physical plane, medical resources are definitely lacking…..technology and medications alike.  Spiritually however I think they are also lacking.  I am reminded of the Scripture out of 1Corinthians 15:55-57… “Where O Death is your victory?  Where O Death is your sting? The sting of death is sin and the power of sin is the law.  BUT thanks be to God!  He gives us the victory through Jesus Christ.”

     

     

    As I was looking this scripture up to copy it down for you, I couldn’t help but notice verse 58.  God answers even when you are unaware.  He says “Therefore, my dear brothers (Sal and Renee), stand firm.  Let nothing move you.  Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain.”

     

     

    Thank you Lord…..You pick me up so I can face another day! J